Mental Wellness:

A Grad School to Life Perspective on How Mental Health Applies to Me

I’m going to write a bit about mental well-being (not mental health per say, but the states of disillusionment that can affect our mental wellness and can lead to mental health concerns for sure). And how I find support when challenges try to set me back. 

This piece is a bit about perspective and juxtaposition... I’m not exactly sure how to frame it, however, I’ve seen a lot about the mental health of graduate students lately and I figured, well, this IS my life, and it has been since 2012. Its been a seven year journey of grad school, through a masters and a PhD; all the while I’ve been working full time and playing my part in supporting a thriving family; and though it’s not been an easy one, it’s a life I’ve chosen, and it’s one I love. 

Like anything anyone has taken on that involves hard work, resilience, and stick-toit-ness, despite inevitable set backs, this journey like many others started with and continues to be a passion. Grad school has taught me respect for learning and knowledge, higher powers, and points of view; it has reminded me about the pitfalls of expectations, comparison, self-judgement and self-doubt, and it has reminded me of how some expectations can be detrimental to our wellbeing, if we’re not careful to keep our passion, purpose, and goals in check. 

I want to begin this reflection with a quote (from the end of the article linked at the bottom) as it spoke to me on so many levels: “Poor mental health is a fact of life in graduate education” ... 

... Though I agree, I would argue, poor mental health is a fact of life, period, and if we don’t stop, take stock, and work with ourselves and others when life becomes overwhelming, we’re doomed. 

I’d also argue the statement could describe almost any challenging endeavour in life, such as that of the life of a new mom, a divorcée, the life of one navigating in a disruptive relationship, life as a new teacher, life in just about any scenario where pressure to perform, without the skills or supports to manage is a reality. Pressure, we undoubtably put on ourselves, and sometimes unwillingly or mistakenly, or ignorantly put on others when we celebrate accomplishments or our own successes. 

Grad school, taking on a new career, planning a pregnancy, becoming a parent, starting a new business venture, setting and following through with personal health goals, starting a new life, embarking on a new relationship, mending an old one, beginning a marriage, writing a book, starting a project, planning a long trip, etc. Etc.... these are each ventures for which we knowingly or unknowingly set up expectations for ourselves (often, unusually high ones), and then we find ourselves comparing our results or our realities to others, or worse our own highest expectations. The achievements and accomplishments of those we deem as perfection unwittingly drive us to an insanity that perpetuates a state of ill health and if we don’t catch ourselves or support one another that’s when our mental health can suffer immensely (speaking to the article directly here). 

Expectations become platforms that we aim towards and because of that, with bulls eye precision we can get lost in how far off the mark we end up, how hard it is to even hit the mark, and then we can begin to see all kinds of others around us doing the same things, but somehow doing them better, with more vigilance, success, cheerleaders, etc. And the more we pay attention to our seeming failures, the more power we seem to give them. 

It’s a point of convergence; a juxtaposition of us against others and even against ourselves. This perspective can burden what were once altruistic, lofty, passionate, persistent, and very purposeful goals and weigh them down with defeat. 

The overwhelming sense of not measuring up (even to ourselves) can render us in a state of fear and we all know what can happen when fear takes up shop in our heads. Our thoughts, feelings, and eventually actions, start to resist, fight back, and before we know it, we are in full on fight, flight, or freeze mode  (also known as anger, anxiety, or depression) and whether diagnosable or not we are living on the edge of not good enough, fast enough, strong enough, smart enough, pretty enough, thin enough, savvy enough, persistent enough, loving enough, etc. Etc. It’s a vicious cycle. 

What we can’t explain we chalk up to good or bad Khama, coincidence, or what was meant to be, further alienating ourselves to success and welcoming defeat; which in and of itself also perpetuates a cycle.

The stress of not good enough, the stress of failure, the stress of setting your sights on the prize and putting aside everything to get there, the stress of taking a break, asking for help, stepping back, or accepting reality....This is where our mental wellness can find itself fighting demons, juxtaposed to our original passions, innocence, intent, or goals. 

In my research, I have collated much around teacher burnout, but I liken the reality to parent, student, and simply any form of burnout all together. That point in which we feel like giving up is better than forging on; that’s a place that really impacts my processing, especially when I consider the passion and power that drives one when we excitedly begin any new adventure! 

Where I have found solace is in training myself to not compare my work, my achievements, my successes or failures in life to anyone else’s, including my own perceptions of where I should be. I simply, be. There’s no race, there’s no winners, there’s no reason to feel like our way compares in any way to another’s. The human condition is full of diversity, an ebb and a flow, and thank god for that. It is in fact what creates helpers and ‘helpees’ and it’s by the grace of a higher power that we’re not all at the same place at the same time. 

It’s hard work, and it takes daily reminders to be ok with what the world places before me, be it good, bad, or downright ugly. I can’t resist it, no matter how badly I want too. I must must persist into areas of light, seek out helpers, even if they be small or few and far between, and if I’m lucky, I find the flow of where it all began. 

Swimming upstream could land me in a place, I never want to be, worse yet, land me in the exact same place I’ve always been, the one Einstein spoke of, whereby, one is doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting a different result. I’ve been there before, more than I’d like to admit, and I’m happy to remind myself, never again. 

I won’t swim upstream, I accept all situations, invite circumstance, and flow with where it wants to take me. I have learned this through managing devastating losses, tumultuous relationships, and personal and professional pitfalls and blunders all along the way. I have had many teachers and helpers, mostly strong women, a couple intuitive men, and hundreds of children and families for whom with I’ve worked with and lived who have taught me about resilience and it’s power over defeat in the face of insurmountable turmoil. 

These amazing people in my life, the culmination of that which embodies worth, perspective, and self understanding and care, teach me that when life seems like self sacrifice is the only answer to our stress; support can (in the best way) unravel it all. 

I actually think, despite many great historic philosophers and great literature enthusiasts, Vanilla Ice has said it best; in the worst of life circumstance: ‘stop, collaborate, and (most importantly) listen’. This is the recipe whereby, you, your supporters, and the universe, can find answers...if, we pay attention and are willing to problem solve, together. 

And, as for this grad school journey, with which, I too entered, with passion and a gut feeling that I called intent, I hope to end it the way it began: with purpose and though challenged along the way, I will aim to not lose sight of the beauty that brought me to this place. 

When stuck, like in any other realm of life that has challenged me, I will take time to sit back, take stock (that’s the Mindful part) and reason with myself about my expectations, my successes, my struggles, and hopefully allow myself the breathing room necessary to persevere. 

It is my hope this message can resonate with anyone who finds roadblocks or stumbles into unexpected territory while pursuing their true passions as well. We’re all in this together and if your journey ever finds you stuck, wondering where you began, or why... reach out and ask for help from someone who can provide at minimum, some perspective (aka: Stop, collaborate, and listen). 

There is someone closer than you think who can give you the pat on the back, the hug, or the push you need to keep going!